just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
