You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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