I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
