barbara walters just said penis...
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
