So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
