TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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