Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
