He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize