I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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