I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
