Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
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