i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
