I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
