i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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