I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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