I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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