btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
