y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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