WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
