i just sent this text using only my big toe
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
