We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
