Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
