Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
