Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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