my mouth tastes like poor choices
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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