On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize