Just fell off a train. Bad.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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