Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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