She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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