I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize