tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize