I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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