My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
