dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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