Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Success! We fucked roommates!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
