I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Just pee around me
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize