my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
