I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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