Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize