There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
