I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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