If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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