Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
