I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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