dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
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