1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
