I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
