I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Every concussion has its silver lining
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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