you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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