On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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