Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
