Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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