so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize