Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
