I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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