Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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