doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
