Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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