just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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