My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
