dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
