Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
