You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
