You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
